I am a Thief
by Edward Vulpes
Summary: An intimate character exploration of Daroach, leader of the intergalactic band of criminals known as the Squeaks. Leave feedback, please- it is my nourishment.


I am a thief. I am a swindler. I am a stinking, lying, treacherous conman. And I love every minute of it.

Do not believe for a second that I tell you this to confess anything, Captain. You can see it as you look at me: in my lying eyes, in my flashy cape, my long, dexterous fingers with their sickle-sharp claws, my faded red top hat with holes cut in for my big, rodentine ears. My profile is too famous for you to mistake it. I am Daroach, pan-galactic criminal, dealer in munitions to pirates for their war on Law and double-dealer of information to the Federation to strike back at Chaos. I am aligned with neither- I serve myself.

What? No. The fact that I resemble a mouse is no joke. We infest all corners of the Galaxies in some form… some of us have happened to develop intelligence faster than others. We also have enough sense not to declare ourselves a sapient species just so the omnipotent tax man can extort money from the swindlers… and even if you try to tell any of your comrades that you have seen a giant mouse, even if they believe you, even if you can force the Federation to listen to such a hare-brained tale, there are mice everywhere. Where shall you find our homeworld, hmm? Not Lylat, for the species there are seeded from old Terran stock, and no planet bears host to a race of mice. Where, hmm? Nowhere, and we will keep it that way, even if we must kill you to keep our secret.

Of course, I will not harm you unless I must. And stop struggling. It will do you no good. Your bonds are magical in nature, and they manipulate forces that your race has no capability of even sensing. Yet you continue to strain yourself against them… fine. That is your prerogative, after all, Captain. Eventually, you will tire, for you will realize the futility of your actions. Your crew have all been similarly restrained, and unless you possess a magician able to undo a perversion of Newtonian physics, they will stay that way.

Oh, but you and all your crew are all Terran humans, yes? Then I suppose you are stuck, since you lack the necessary organs to manipulate such energies. Of course, we checked this before ever assaulting your ship. We are not stupid.

"Who are we?" Are you naïve, Captain, or merely stupid? "We" are the Squeaks- ah, now I see comprehension dawning on your face! Yes, that very band of criminals now controls your ship. You only thought… what? That the name was a joke, coined in a fit of irony? No, you can see the evidence before you. We are as serious as any pirates- which is to say, deadly.

As to what will happen to you and your crew, that will wait until we reach our destination at the Sargasso Outpost. Perhaps we will merely scrap your cargo of F-Zero racers and put the parts into circulation on the black market… I know the Blood Falcon would pay well for some of the drives you carry. Perhaps we will sell off this ship and fly off to some desolate backwater planet and leave you to clean up the mess. Perhaps we might even sell you and your crew off into slavery on some space pirate frigate. It largely depends on how good my temperament is at the end of this voyage and how good a deal I can get out of such lowlifes at Sargasso. We have about two weeks, after all, at our current rate of travel.

So charm me, Captain.

* * *

Do you know, Captain, your Terran idea of food appalls me. Your crew will need to make do with whatever peasant slop your synthesizers can produce in the galley, but I have decided that you, at the least, deserve better. I brought you a proper supper from our own food stores, and we will take a meal together as leaders.

Oh, don't snub me. You're in no position to do so, and I can see the hunger in your eyes from here. There's aged raw milk cheeses from Corneria, snow-roots from Fichina, Chozo-head sprigs from Zebes, a most fine shortcake from Ripple Star in the Popstar system, and a personally favored liquor brewed from the marsh weeds of the Silent Planet- yes that same one that hosted last year's F-Zero Grand Prix. I myself favored Jack Stewart to win when I attended, but, alas, t'was not to be…

Goroh? You actually favor him? Nay, he has not a chance in the universe! Not until he upgrades that junk heap of a racer that he uses, anyway.

There, now! Was that so hard? If all else fails, intergalactic sports can always break the ice. I am going to loose your bonds now, Captain, and if you try to overpower me or try anything tricky, I will kill you. Whether I do this with a spell, sneer as you might, or simply tear your throat out with my own claws is irrelevant. When we are done eating together, I will lash your limbs together again and leave you for the night.

But now, let us sup together as did the captains of old, eh?

You keep a very tidy ship, Captain. This bridge lacks the grime of use that you see in so many freighters of such age. It only saddens me that the rest of my band is not so fastidious, so I must apologize if we sully your vessel. Our race is not given to cleanliness, you see, and it would be most presumptuous and unwise of me to curtail the revelry of my underlings when we have secured such a hefty prize. I am sure as a leader yourself that you know the feeling.

Oh, temper, temper, Captain. I will take it upon myself that you do not see your ship in any state of disrepair, even if it means keeping you locked up in the brig or blindfolding you as we walk along the corridors. Allow me to pour you a glass of this, it is really a fine brew-

…you dare to throw my gift in my face? You dare to _touch_ me? Did I not warn you of this? Did I not make myself clear? Or, perhaps, are you humans too dense to accept charity when you see it?!

Hmm… I will not harm you, Captain. I will prove myself more genteel than you, but you will still be punished. I will leave this supper here for you, for it would be ignoble for a man of such standing as yourself to be allowed to starve. However, until you have calmed yourself, your crew will not be fed or given drink, and I will make orders that any who are seen to take food to be thrown out the air lock.

Good evening, Captain. I know I shall certainly enjoy myself tonight.

* * *

Good morning, Captain. Though we parted on less than amicable terms last night, I hope that today we can make amends. Ah, good; I see you have taken your repast. I will thus give the order to lift the ban on your food and drink. I am sorry to inform you that two of your crew, a certain Ensign Smith and a Corporal Reuters, were found to have violated my decree, and took water for themselves on the sly. I have thereby taken the liberty of having them deleted from the roster of your crew and eliminating all record of their service aboard this vessel.

I am so sorry that you feel that way, Captain. Perhaps in future, there will be no more misunderstandings between us.

Ah, and do let me introduce you two. Captain, this individual… well, his name does not translate so well into other tongues, ours being rather unique, so let us simply call him the Doctor for expediency's sake. He has a message that he wishes to communicate with you. Alas, he does not speak your own tongue so well as I, so I will translate. Early this morning, the Doctor discovered a strange anomaly in some of your equipment. According to our detection equipment, at 0204 hours today, your transmission apparatus powered up all of its own accord! I need not tell you that this is a sign of a precursor to a grave and serious malfunction- on the advice of the Doctor, I had one of my associates disconnect your communications terminal from the ship's drive reactor. I am afraid this means that until we reach our destination at Sargasso Outpost, we will have no means of communicating with any other vessels. I apologize for this, but it seems better to exercise prudence now to prevent costly repairs later.

You're pale as a sheet, Captain! Are you quite all right? You are certain? Good. Let me know if you require anything. I will release you from your bonds later today, and you can walk with me and speak with your crew, if you so wish.

I cannot stay long; the Doctor and I have certain matters that we must attend to. However, I do not wish to be parted from your company for long, so wait for me only a while longer.

I shall return for you soon, Captain.

* * *

Are you here, Captain? Good, I had feared you might be resting. It is time for our walk together. Be still, and I shall unlash the forces that bind you.

Ah, I am sorry- I was a bit too forceful, it seems. My men can put a dressing on that cut. Perhaps you can pass it off as an incident while shaving- what a strange habit to put blades that can bring death so close to your fleshy throats. The fur of we mice is preferable to such a dangerous nuisance, I think, but pay no heed to my ramblings. To make amends, I have brought you a fresh mushroom cheese from our stock. It has been some time since you have taken food, Captain, so it is wise that you eat. But come, let us be off. You can eat while walking, certainly?

As you can see, I have not gone against my word; your ship has been kept as pristine as we found it, though it is not naturally the inclination of our race to keep a tidy order of things. In this, I admit, I am somewhat unique among my people, but it does pay well to present an orderly product to any buyers.

Hmm? No, I was merely speaking hypothetically. How could I yet know what I will do with this ship? We have no means of communication with any potential buyers, as you well know, Captain.

No need to scowl. It is unbecoming on such a handsome face. But here, look; see your crew's quarters and know that they are not being mistreated. We allow them up from their bunks once a day in order to use the onboard waste facilities, and they are given food and water at this time. Quite unfortunately, many of them protested at these conditions, and so I thought it fit to weave a spell of silence over all humans aboard this vessel- aside from yourself, of course, Captain. They are able to hear everything within their own head, but we are mercifully spared from their inane babblings. See here, how he screams at us in vain! How terrible it would be to hear that all the time, no, Captain?

Come along, Captain. There is no need to keep staring at this scene.

* * *

You might find this an interesting diversion, Captain. At your feet is the precise spot where our ship hangs below yours.

Yes, I did say "hangs," Captain. It is a rather ingenious system created by the Doctor and myself. Our ship approaches vessels such as yours under cloaks that are mundanely mechanical and magical in nature, and we align ourselves next to the underbelly. Four arms attach our vessel to the host, like a leech, and it is impossible to remove our own by force without tearing a gash in the host ship. Once we are attached, as we are now, I teleport my men in with my own power- as I said before, you cannot even sense how my abilities function, so you certainly could have done nothing to stop us. It is not born out of any vendetta that we thusly target vessels crewed by humans- please understand, targeting you was only business. I find it does pay to have business sense, Captain.

Ah, but you must see the interior of our ship! It is more impressive on the inside; I insist, Captain. No, there is no danger in it- your protests fall on deaf ears. Here, take my paw.

No, do not hesitate! Without direct contact, there is a chance my aim might falter, and leave you just a few meters off the mark in the dead of space. Yes, good. I knew you would see reason, Captain. And do mind my claws- ugh, but your human pelt is revolting. Your species would do well to evolve fur.

Are you ready, Captain? Then let us make the jump.

* * *

Are you disoriented, Captain? I do apologize. I should have realized that you would be rather maladjusted for this sort of thing. Come now, let me help you to your feet.

Oh dear, have I nicked you? Just a bit, it seems. I do seem to be rather clumsy today, perhaps. These claws are sharper than they seem.

Ah, but what timing! Allow me to introduce you to my associates, Captain. You have met the good Doctor already, of course, but here are the others. Quite unfortunately, none of them have even a smattering of your human language, so I will once more bridge the linguistic gap for you.

This is Storo, our heavy lifter, although a regular rat by his standards of behaviour and cleanliness. I once watched him tear a Sheegoth apart with his bare hands. Say hello, Captain.

And here is Spinni, our field woman… or perhaps I should say fieldmouse? Ah, my little joke, Captain, think nothing of it. She facilitates and leads our ground forces in our more active operations.

"What forces?" Ah, I see. You have not observed any of our lesser members running about, have you, Captain? Let me call one here. I need but one strand of my own fur and to wave my stave…

Such shock! This is so far beyond your comprehension, is it not, Captain? How does one violate the laws of physics and thermodynamics with such flagrant abandon? It is magical, is it not? And that is precisely what it is. The number of our minions is limited only the hairs of my head- nay, over my whole body.

But come, Captain! I shall lead you to your chamber aboard our ship myself.

Oh, but I do insist. It would be terribly rude of you to refuse my hospitality a second time, and it would certainly be preferable to being stuck on the bridge of your vessel for the duration of our voyage. I will personally act as a courier for any messages you might want delivered to your crew, so you need not worry about being out of contact.

…I am a mouse, Captain. I can smell the reek of fear oozing out of your skin. That is good. You are not so foolish, after all.

Follow me once more, Captain, to your accommodations. I trust you will find them adequate.

* * *

How are you faring, Captain? I trust these last days have been restful, being away from all the stresses and strains of your position? Have no worry over the run of your ship. I have taken it upon myself to personally survey its upkeep.

Have you everything you need for your personal comfort? We mice normally bed down in a nest of cushions, but I keep this room for guests of ours who prefer a more traditional Terran-style bed. I have also stocked your in-room terminal with titles in contemporary and antiquarian Terran tongues. Ah, you discovered them already- good. I must say, your Shakespeare has taken me entirely by surprise. _That_ was a man who lived beyond the scope of his planet.

I should not dally with such pleasantries, though. I am afraid that I bear bad tidings, Captain. It appears that there were several psions- PK users, I believe they are called- among your crew, and these had been conspiring with others in secret to usurp me. They figured out in time how to undo my spell of binding, and assaulted me in the corridor. See, here my fur has been singed. You did not notice? How… disappointing. You humans have such pathetic faculties of sense.

You are trembling, Captain. What? Oh, but I would not dream of having you accept responsibility for this incident. How could you have done so? You could have carried no message to your crew, and you likely did not even know of their abilities. Nay, do not worry yourself unduly over this. I called Storo and Spinni to my aid, and we fought off the assailants. This left quite a mess in your ship, so you can understand why we do not wish you to see the remnants while the cleanup is in progress.

In light of this incident, Captain, I deemed it necessary to take disciplinary measures by decimation. I am sure you will not mind. I also hope that no more of this becomes necessary, since such drastic measures eat away at any profit margin we might turn from this endeavour. Thus, Captain, I ask if you would prepare a message, in video, for me to convey to the crew of your ship ceding authority to me for the remainder of our voyage.

…the question of what will happen to you if you should refuse, Captain, is vexing to me. I am burned, my paws are aching with cold, my nerves buzz with electricity- all from your damnable psions. Ask yourself of the ramifications of refusal.

…good. I am glad that you see our position, Captain. You will find a micro camera in the terminal in this room. Storo will be along to collect the recording at the end of the hour. I am going to wash the stench of you filthy humans out of my fur.

I bid you good evening, Captain. You will be interested to know that we will arrive in Sargasso in a week's time.

* * *

I expected better than this, Captain. I truly did. Codes and secrecy, lies and deceit- why could you not simply enjoy my hospitality? It was only by merest chance that I asked Storo to let me see the recording beforehand, and it was by an epiphany of understanding that I caught the secret message you embedded in your recording, but did you really think me incapable of ciphering it? Your ploy to have your crewmen assault the ones who unlash their bindings and rush to the bridge was stillborn to begin with, but the fact that you throw away your own safety by forsaking my protection and hospitality is deplorable. I show you respect, and you have shown nothing but contempt for me. So it is always the way with we mice.

But, Captain, I will show myself a better man than you. There will be no punishment to you for this breach of my good will, nor to most of your crew.

Most? Yes, most. I have decided that an example should be made to you. Perhaps that is the only deterrent you will understand. Storo, Spinni, bring the human in.

"Maria?" Is that her name? A relation of yours, perhaps? No? A friend, then, or a lover? …Ah, yes, that's the one. Well, this is more fortuitous than I had expected.

Do you know what happens when all the blood in one's body is frozen at once? Or have you ever seen a living being in the vacuum of space? I can do all this and more, Captain, with but a wave of my staff. Your ship was chosen as our mark because not a creature on it can resist the power I hold. I have a million ways to cause death, and I will use any or all of them if I please. All your plans, all your tricks are worthless.

Do you yield, Captain? Do you yield? Will you accept whatever fate I choose for you and those who crew your ship?

…Very well, Captain. Cease your weeping. Your pleas have not fallen on deaf ears. I will spare this female, and your crew will not be harmed any more. I will not deliver a defective product if I am able to help it.

Take her away, Spinni. I will be along shortly with orders for you.

Good night, Captain. May your dreams be peaceful.

* * *

We are arrived, Captain. I suspect that you will wish to know what I have decided for the fate of you and your crew. After discussions with Lord O'Donnell, the stationmaster of Sargasso Outpost, I found that there are no slaver ships or space pirate frigates within several light years of here. Therefore, you and your crew will be allowed to go free. Arrange passage back to Federation Territory or stay here as a worker on the colony- it is all the same to me. We will liquidate your cargo and assets, as discussed. I only regret that our parting was on such sour terms.

…Perhaps you did not hear me, Captain. Are you asleep? Come, human, rouse yourself!

I must say, Captain, this is inestimably rude of you. I have been nothing but respectful and chivalrous to you filthy creatures, and this is the behaviour I receive in return? Come, look at me…!

…Dear cheese… oh, my…

Why do this to yourself, Captain? What broke you? Such a shameful, messy, cowardly way to die… starved, unheard, alone. I would have let you go, Captain… _I would have let you go._

…Storo, Spinni. Get in here. Take this man away. I don't wish to see him anymore. I must see the stationmaster once more to arrange a proper burial in space.

Captain… you were a fool to the end. But perhaps, just perhaps, this is not my line of work. My breed has no business sending an innocent man to death by his own hand.

I am a thief, not a murderer.

* * *

Post-story authorial notes:

Daroach and the other named Squeaks are from the game Kirby: Squeak Squad. In the game itself, they really have no characterization, no personality- but I fell in love with the appearance of Daroach. The elegant thieving mouse bedecked in red was not only one of the hardest Kirby bosses ever concocted, but he had more charisma than most other series characters put together (King Dedede excepted). I was determined to craft a character for him, in no small part due to the fact that I will be dressing as him for this Halloween. I hope my vision for his character and thoughts comes through clearly in the story.

I also tried for some ambiguity in the unseen character of the Captain, enough such that the reader can see his character and also partly envision himself _as_ the character, since Daroach constantly addresses him or her. Whether you see the Captain as Captain Picard, Captain James T. Kirk, Mario, yourself or something else entirely does not matter- what should matter is that the reader is able to see through the unseen eyes of the Captain by the words of Daroach.

Now that I read over this, I think that one of my subconscious inspirations was Melville's "Benito Cereno", except with a major role-reversal. I don't think my writing comes anywhere near that classic, but it is an amusing parallel to discover after the fact, no?

Feedback would be much welcome and appreciated. Also, if you liked this integrated Nintendo universe, I have plans to collaborate with a friend to come up with a novelette-length story in the same universe. We still have yet to work out the details, but it will be much more heavily leaned toward Star Fox. No ETA is yet available.


End file.
